Fallen
by MissMdsty
Summary: What is life composed of? A series of eventes, fortunate or not, that make up our destiny. A series of coincidences that eventually lead someplace. Where? [LJ, very AU. You have been warned. November 16: Added EPILOGUE]
1. I

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Fallen

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By Strawberry Gashes

I once read someplace that life was a series of events. I didn't believe it. After all, we make our destinies, don't we? I thought so too. Until my life took a 180 turn in only a glance. An innocent look, a heart beat that changed my life forever. 

My name is Lily Evans and this is my story. You can either love it. Or you can either hate it. Either way, listen to it. You have a lot to learn. 

I'm not a happy person by nature. I rarely smile, a true smile. I laugh a lot but a joke comes and goes. So as I said, my life was far from perfect. My sister hated me, my father was never there and my mother was too preoccupied by other stuff. 

I was a people's person. I lived to be with people. People who were what I wanted to be, people who were like me. All kinds of people. 

I had had a boyfriend. I broke it off when it became really serious. I was that kind of person. We were still civil to each other, but it was a tense silence sometimes. I knew he loved me still… On the other hand, I had no idea what love was. 

On the sunny afternoon my story starts, in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry my good friend Remus Lupin, a 7th year was throwing a party. His 17th birthday couldn't just pass by us, so my best friend, Andromeda Black and I went gift shopping in Hogsmeade and then to the Three Broomsticks, where Remus, from what I was told, had rented the entire pub for the day. 

We entered the place and saw a few of our dorm mates: Marlene McKinnon was chatting up Rosmerta at the bar, Emmeline Vance was talking very animatedly to Sirius Black and Remus was having a talk with a tall dark guy I knew was James Potter. 

Swinging my red hair over my shoulder I walked over to the two and affectionately kissed Remus's cheek. We were really close. I only nodded in James's direction. 

'Lily, Andromeda. I'm so glad you girls could make it!'

"You know me Remus," I said. "Wouldn't miss it for the world."

"You girls know James?" 

"Only by name," I said and then smiled as he shook my hand.

"It's a pleasure finally meeting you Lily." He said. I was a bit taken aback by this. 

"And how are you, "gift girl"?" he asked turning to Andie, who poked her tongue out at him. They were closer since she was his best friend's cousin. The 'gift girl' nickname was given to her by James one day when she insisted giving small gifts to all the teachers. She was seen with small gift bags all day long. 

Remus shook his head as he motioned us towards everybody else. I waved to the people I knew and Remus made all the introductions. 

"Now that we are all here, let's party!" Sirius said, getting up from his chair and putting on a very fast song. "Everybody grab somebody!" 

I raised my eyebrow at him as he came over and picked me up. The song had rhythm and he could move. I was laughing in no time. 

After a couple more songs we finally say down, no breath left in our bodies. 

"I know…, " Marlene said, a smirk coming to her face.

"What? Oh no… guys.. She has that look in her eyes." Andie said with concern. 

"Truth or dare!"

I jumped. Sure, I was expecting this kind of games, but playing truth or dare with the Marauders was never easy. 

"Lily.. Why don't we start with you? Truth… or dare?" 

"Dare!" I said without thinking. I wasn't in the mood to open up to this bunch. 

"I dare you to… Put make up on Peter!" 

I turned to Peter Pettigrew, the 4th Marauder, who was blissfully unaware of what had come out of Marlene's mouth. I grabbed a lipgloss and eyeshadow and proceeded to do what I was told to, while poor Peter was petrified. Literally. 

As I sat down James winked at me and my heart gave a funny flip. 

A lot more happened at Remus's coming of age party, but I couldn't remember. I kept getting lost in James Potter's eyes. 

I knew from that moment on my life would never be the same. 

****

Author Note

I am in fact alive. Sort of. This past month my life has been going downhill. My boyfriend died in a car crash 3 weeks ago after struggling between life and death for 5 days and it hit me very hard. Really cold shower with the label 'Wake up, life's short!' on it. 

So this will be my last story for a while. I plan on finishing it and taking a long break from writing. 

Tell me your opinions on it. 

3 Ral. 


	2. II

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Chapter 2

That night, upon returning to my dorm with Marlene and Andromeda on my tail, I started thinking a lot about the day's happenings. Namely James, but hey, besides my point. 

As I was saying, I was lost deep in though. Of course it wasn't long till somebody would notice and start asking questions. 

"Earth to Lil… " Lil… my nickname. I had no idea, better yet, couldn't remember when it had started. I shook my head, to signal I had heard the girl who was calling my name. 

"Lily … you're not listening. Don't tell me otherwise, I can tell. What's up?" The girl was Hestia Jones. She had had a light cold, so she thought it best to stay in on the cold September day. 

"Just .. Stuff." I said absently. 

"Lily .. Did you meet somebody at Remus's party?" she asked cautiously. 

My head shot up and I glared at her. Sure.. Maybe I had a _slight _infatuation. Nothing worth mentioning. Unfortunately, Andromeda was within ear shot so she interfered at once. 

"Lily .. It's not James, is it?" 

The room, ok more Marlene and Hestia, gasped. 

"Lily .. You have a crush on James Potter?" Hestia asked. 

I blushed to the roots of my crimson hair and shook my head in an unidentified way. They, on the other hand, took it as a yes.

"Oh my God! Lily, that's so cool! We could set you two up!" Marlene gushed. 

I raised an eyebrow her way. 

"Or not." I stated simply. 

It was their turn to raise their eyebrows. And so they did, three brows went up at the same time, followed by the question. 

"Why?"

Why not I thought to myself. After all, James Potter had all the qualities I wanted in a man. He was cute, charming, and smart but then my practical part kicked in. Why yes? It said. So you could have another 3 days relationship? My mind refused it. I turned my focus back to my three stunned friends. 

"Because." Was my only answer. I then turned to my bed, shut my curtains and fell into an uneasy sleep, punctuated by James's face appearing in my dreams. 

Of course, I had no idea that on the other side of the castle, James Potter was preparing to ask the question that would change my life forever. 

Three days had passed since the party and I was positive that my so-called crush on James had only been a party-induced high. We had seen each other several times since, exchanged a couple of notes during class ad all that. But we were more buddy-buddy than anything. 

On Tuesday night I was sitting in my dorm, writing an essay and eating a cauldron cake when a snowy owl swooped in. I recognized it at once as being James's. It carried a small note in her beak. 

__

Lily, what would you say if I asked you to be my girlfriend? 

I started at the note for a few seconds, then did the first thing that came to mind. I yelled. I yelled like I hadn't yelled in a good long time. Andromeda came dripping out of the shower and started yelling as well. After a couple of minutes I stopped and took a deep breath.

"Why were we yelling Lily?"

I showed her the note. The owl was still there. Obviously it had been told to wait an answer. 

"Well then, answer him."

I looked at her with my big, green eyes.

"And say what?"

She sat on the bed and looked at me for a few moments before stating simply.

"Play with him for a while."

I blinked. 

"What?"

She laughed lightly.

"Lil my dear, I can tell you're dying to say yes, but please, let him see you're not that easy to get."

Somehow that made sense. I took my quill and scribbled a quick reply.

__

It depends, are you asking me?

The owl flew out my window and it returned moments later with a reply. 

__

Yes I am. So, what do you say?

I decided to go with what Andromeda had said. Play with him for a bit.

__

I'll think about it. I'll tell you … one day soon. 

I sat on my bed smirking. Andromeda, who had dried herself in the mean time, looked at me with a curious look. 

"What're you going to say to him?" 

"I don't know." I shrugged. 

"Please Lil.. Feed those doughnuts to those who'll eat them. We both know you're dying to say yes. "

I didn't reply. It was true. I was dying to say yes. But I couldn't. Doing that right away can mistake you for something else, as my experience had shown. 

I would say yes to James Potter. But only after making sure he was serious. 

****

Author Note

Another chapter done. Thank you to all my reviewers. This is my last week of school so updates are going to be more frequent. The technical mourning period ends on the 31st so I want to wrap it up till then. 

Until chapter 3 … bye bye.

3 Ral.

****

Disclaimer: I own the plot line. JK owns everything else. 


	3. III

**Chapter 3**

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          A couple of days later I still hadn't given James an answer, though he kept sending owls with insinuations. I took to avoiding him, but he just seemed to pop up everywhere. 

          A few days later I was walking alone towards my Charms classroom when he suddenly appeared in front of me. 

          "Lily … "

          "James … " I said mocking him. 

          "Lily … "

          "James … "

          We both looked at each other and smiled. 

          "Do you have an answer for me?" he smiled and approached me as I felt my knees go weak.

          All I managed was a feeble 'yes' that barely left my throat. God, what was that boy doing to me? 

          "What is it?" he took a few steps towards me. 

          I regained my posture and smirked. 'What do you think?'

          I saw his face falling slightly and let out a soft chuckle. 'Relax Romeo. I'd love to be your girlfriend." I smiled then I left for my Charms lesson. 

          After excusing myself to the teacher I sat down and turned to my curious friends. 

          "Yes, I ran into him." I said before Andromeda could open her mouth. "And yes I am dating him." I responded to her next question. 

          James came in 15 minutes later, looking very dazed. 

          That was the beginning of our relationship. 
    
    _Tale as old as time_
    
    _True as it can be_
    
    _Barely even friends_
    
    _Than somebody bends_
    
    _Unexpectedly_

**Author Note**

**I suppose that can be called a chapter. Haven't been feeling well lately, and with today marking 5 months since I met him … I'm ranting again. **

**This is a sort of interlude chapter or something … Lol.**

**Expect the next one to be up soon, I need to regather my thoughts. **

**3 Ral**

**Disclaimer: I'm not JK, thus I own nothing. Lyrics from 'Tale as old as time'.  **


	4. IV

**Chapter 4**

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          A few weeks later James and I were still going strong, much to the envy of everybody. I could hear them whisper behind my back, every time we passed them in the corridors and such.

          The only ones who didn't care were the Gryffindors. Much used to both James and mine's weekly relationships, the few weeks in which we could be seen … snogging on the common room couch was a very peaceful oasis. 

          It was on a night like that in which James held me, a night which I still re-call as if it were yesterday. The common room fire, the students heading out to bed, some saying 'good night' some rushing by as though not wanting to disturb us. 

          'Lily …'

          I was pulled out of my reverie by the sound of his voice.

          'Yes?'

          'I love you!'

          The three little words rang in my ears and spun around in circles, echoing deep into my heart. Three words I'd said only once before and that I swore never to say again. But yet three words that symbolized everything I felt for James. 

          But did I really love him? Or was I just very fond of him. 

          I decided I would find an answer to that question later, as I kissed him. 

          Late that night I was in my dorm, pondering. 

          Three weeks. That was all that had passed. Were three weeks enough to fall in love? Looking back on those times now, I know I had fallen for him after three days not weeks. 

          And James Potter loved me. Or so he stated. Burying my face in my pillow I yelled. Yelled in frustration. Because I couldn't say to him what I wanted to. Because I was too afraid to let him really in. because, maybe, I had no clue what love was. 

          The next day I looked a mess. But he still thought me as beautiful as ever. He did that. 

          And the weeks were moving and we were growing closer. Or so I thought.

          Because fate had a something else planned for James Potter and myself. 

**Author Notes:**

This is based on true facts.  That's why the chapters are so vague and short. It'll get more interesting as time moves on and they develop. 

Thank you for all your comments and wishes. I love each and everyone of you! 

Disclaimer: JK owns everything. 


	5. V

**Chapter 5**

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          Seven weeks. That number shall remain in my memory forever. 

          It was a Monday. 

          But let me cut to the chase. On that very cloudy Monday morning, I decided to stay in my bed. Not really in the mood to go to classes and with a light headache I spent my day pondering on the issues I had. 

          So, what was love anyway? And at what point in a relationship can you truly say you're in love? 

They say love's when you get butterflies in your stomach and it all explodes when you see the other person.   
  
But, of course, after a while, that feeling tends to go away. What then?  
  
I was scared by then. Seven weeks and my feeling didn't go away, it was there, as strong as ever.   
  


But what was I feeling?  
  
I was happy? Oh but happy is such a big word. For I knew happiness had never truly existed, only lesser shades of melancholy.

And I was scared, I had always feared heartache. That's why I always got out before it got too big. I had run away, every time, why was this time different?

Did I love James? My heart yelled yes. My mind yelled no. 

By the time class had gotten out, I had fallen into an uneasy sleep, out of which Marlene had awoken me. 

'Lily. Lily you've got an owl.'

I got up and rubbed my sleepy eyes. There it was, James's owl. I smiled and took the note it carried, but my face fell as its content started sinking in.

_'Lily, I've been thinking a lot and I think it's best if we break up. Sorry. Maybe some other time. Goodbye!' ****_

**        Hestia, who had been reading from behind my shoulder, nudged Andromeda. They both looked at me.**

           And I did something I had never done before. I burst into hysterical tears.  

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

           That night my friends went to talk to him, while I was cowering under my covers. 

           They came back 15 minutes later, with very angry faces. 

           'He was with the Marauders, in the common room.' Andromeda started. 'So I go and ask him, _What the fuck is up with you? And he, very calmly goes __We just had, nothing in common.'_

           My face had fallen at this. 

           'What did you do?' I asked weakly. 

           'I slapped him.' She replied, and I saw her palm was very red.

           Stifling a sob I buried my head in my pillows. It had taken too much out of me just living the past hours. I just wanted, for the first time ever, to be left to fall apart. 

**Author Notes:**

So that was a slightly bigger chapter. As for what will come next, remember this is an AU fic. 

Next chapter: Lily and James come face to face and the next twist of events. 

Stay tuned!

**Disclaimer: JK owns all. **


	6. VI

**Chapter 6**

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          Three days later I was nowhere closer to being better though I did try my best to act happy. Life seemed to be going at its usual ways and November was approaching. 

          I hated myself sometimes, because I sometimes could be found staring at him or thinking how could it be that just a week ago he loved me. 

          The answer must've been that he indeed had no romantic feelings towards me. That he had toyed with me. 

          On Wednesday evening I took my favorite book "Camille" By Alexandre Dumas and took a seat on the couch by the common room fire. 

          "… we must've done terrible things in a past life or await wonderful things in the next to be allowed to live such pain in this one…" 

          As I read the only too familiar pages, I felt somebody place a hand on my shoulder. Turning my head slightly, I saw it was James. 

          "What do you want?" I said, a little too sharply. 

          He seemed truly confused by my attitude as he took a seat next to me. 

          "Why are you talking to me like that?"

          "Like what?"

          "With that … tone."

          "And with what tone do you wish I address you Mr. Potter?" I saw him opening his mouth in protest, but didn't let him say anything. "I'm afraid that after the cowardly way in which you informed our relationship was over, things between us would be very clear." 

          I felt my heart breaking as I spoke, more so as I saw his expression turning into one of surprise and sadness. But I knew better than to fall for that. 

          "I  ... I thought you understood it was temporary."

          "Temporary? After the way we ended and all that was said. You … I... I believed you when you said you loved me."

          "I still love you Lily, but... I... I need time. Time to get to know you better. I love you."

          Oh how I wanted to tell him what I felt. Everything that was going on inside me. 

          But I didn't. 

          "You're going to have to prove yourself on this one James." 

          And just like that, I let him walk out of my life. 

_Let me let go, baby  
Let me let go  
If this is for the best  
Why are you still in my heart  
Are you still in my soul  
Let me let go_

**Author notes**

Short, so sue me. I'm sick. I have a cold. 

Meh… I have no clue why I'm rushing this so much. 

Eh …

Disclaimer: I own nothing. JK owns the chars, Faith Hill the song. 


	7. VII

**Chapter 7**

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_So cry for me baby, and I'll cry for you  
And we'll both break down and we'll both break through  
We'll find our way and we'll face the truth  
We both will be stronger  
And we'll lie down in our loneliness  
And wake up with our sad regrets  
Even though we don't know it yet  
We both will be stronger_

A week after the talk James and I had I was still very shaken by it all. 

          I had no doubt now. I was in love with him. 

          Oh how cliché Lily … The impossible love story. My heart told me I could make it possible. My mind said no. I always was a fighter. So I would fight the feeling that was burning me from inside. There was life before James and there will be life after him. 

          This fresh new resolution in my mind I grabbed my bag and met Hestia and Andromeda in the common room. Hestia knew of my talk with James and she knew something I would never admit. That I was dying to run to him. 

Moments later Emmeline Vance came running into the common room. 

          "Lily! Oh my God! Lily!"

          "Emmeline, what the Hell is wrong?" 

          "He and  ... her and... I saw... and …"  
  
          "Calm down. What's up?"

          "Sit down. This might come as a shock!"

          I rolled my eyes. 

          "What?" 

          "James is seeing this Hufflepuff 7th year."

          "Right … "I knew he would never  ... he could never  ... or could he?

          "I saw them Lily." 

          I felt my eyes burning. But tears just wouldn't come. 

          "If you cry Lily. I swear to God I'm hitting you!"

          "I'm  ...I'm fine." Swallowing hard I exited to common room. Turning a corner I saw James and his...girlfriend whispering very close together. 

          "Hey Lily!" He said as he spotted me. I held my head up and walked past them both. I would not cry. Not this time. 

***   

Three weeks had passed since I walked past James and the Hufflepuff and I was sure I was ok. I kept telling myself that. 

Yet in my mind I kept a doubt. A few weeks ago he loved me. Why was this all happening? 

On a stormy Sunday evening I was sitting in my bed reading a book when I got a sudden feeling in my stomach. 

It left as soon as it came and I went to bed. 

The next morning I was awaken by Sirius. 

"Lily  ...Lily wake up."

"Sirius, what's wrong?"

"It's James  ... He...he had a Quidditch accident early this morning. He's in the hospital wing right now. Chances are he might not make it!"

Author Notes:

A reviewer asked what AU means. Alternate Universe. It means a story placed in the same time, same characters, but with no connection to the series.

Hope this chapter was better then the last. I'll have the next one up very soon. 

Ral

**Disclaimer: JK owns everything. Faith Hill own the song.**


	8. VIII

**Chapter 8**

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          Jumping out of bed I looked at Sirius in shock. 

          "Wha...What?"

          "He … he was practicing today and there was a rough bludger and it hit him … He got crashed into the ground, falling from fifty feet up. He's in a coma. The nurse told Dumbledore there isn't much she can do."

          "But … but he has to be alright Sirius. He just has to!"  I felt fear gathering up inside of me. "Let's go see the nurse." 

          Running out of the dorm with my pajamas and a cloak on we reached the wing. The nurse wouldn't let us in.

          "Mr. Potter, I'm afraid is in very bad shape. That fall he took affected all of his internal organs. He has ruptured liver, collapsed lungs, plus he might have brain damage we cannot detect until he wakes up. Not to mention he might lose a leg."

          I felt the ground going from under me as I found myself yelling.

          "No! It can't be like this! You have to save him! You have to!"

          The nurse just looked down as Sirius put an arm around me and dragged me off. Moments later I was crashing into a chair in the common room, tears running down my cheeks as I fought them. 

          Hestia put her arms around me and hugged me. 

          "It'll be ok Lils. I know it!"

          But I was beside myself.

          "I might lose him and never get to tell him how I feel... I love him. I love him so much, and I might've forgiven him for what he did to me so much earlier if only I hadn't been so stubborn in my decisions. And this is not some child play...this is real life... This is a fact. We might lose him." 

          I collapsed on the sofa, crying my heart out, with the whole common room looking at me. Remus had gone to tell James's... girlfriend about the accident. I locked myself in my room and did something I had not done in a long time either. I prayed. 

***                                                                             

Five days had passed from the accident and James still hadn't woken up. They took out one kidney and the other had collapsed but I still refused to give up hope. I kept on praying for a miracle.

          There was a knock on my door. 

          It was Sirius and by the look on his face I could tell everything.

          "He's dead."

          I just stared at him. The great Sirius Black was crying. And my world had collapsed. In those two words I had died on the inside a million times. Somebody, I suppose Hestia, had come and hugged me upon hearing this. And only then, minutes after I had died, because yes, I had the distinct feeling I had died and something made me wake up, I cried. 

          I cried for him. I cried for the words left unsaid and deeds left undone.                    

          James Potter, the boy I loved, was dead. And I died with him. On my bedroom floor, surrounded by our friends, my heart was dead. 

_No love left in me_

_No eyes to see the heaven beside me_

_My time is yet to come_

_So I'll be forever yours_

Author Notes:

*nods* What notes can I put on this thing? 

This story is slowly coming to an end. Only two or three more chapters left. 

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. JK owns the chars, Nightwish owns Forever Yours. **


	9. IX

**Chapter 9**

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_And I know you're shinning down on me from Heaven_

_Like so many friends we lost along the way_

_And I know eventually we'll be together_

_One sweet day …_

I had no idea for how long I had been sitting on the floor. I had no idea if it was day or night; I had no recollection of anything. I stopped crying, and then I started again, over and over, several times. Sirius was not speaking. Nor was Remus. I did not know where little Peter was. 

 Finally, after a couple of hours I got up. Getting a tissue from my bedside table I dried my eyes and left to speak to the Head of our House. 

"I'm going to go see McGonagall. " I said. They didn't ask why. Truth was, I wanted to find out about the funeral. 

The Gryffindors gave me weird looks as I passed them. I was Head Girl, they obviously wanted to know the details of the passing of their Quidditch captain and Head Boy. But I was in no condition to speak of it. I wasn't even sure if I would make it to the teacher's office. 

As I made my way down the corridors, I indeed noticed more people staring. I felt tears well up in my eyes. But I was not about to let the entire school see me cry. I knocked on McGonagall's door. 

"Come in." her voice was shaking as well. 

"Professor …" 

"Miss Evans …" she was holding a tissue and did not say anything, as she motioned for me to sit down. I sat down and opened my mouth to ask the things I had come to ask. 

"Professor … James' funeral… " No sooner had the words left my mouth that I broke into sobs once more. The once so stiff professor circled her desk and hugged me. 

"It'll be ok Lily, you'll see… The funeral's on Sunday. James' parents are arriving tonight. "

I sighed, trying to compose myself. 

"Can I see him?"

"The nurse thinks it's best if you do not right now. In any event, it would be best if we left his parents alone with him for tomorrow." 

I nodded. Then I got up, thanked her and left the office. Passing a group of Slytherins I was shocked to see that they had no side comment for me. Then I saw her. Alexa… I don't know her last name to this day. His girlfriend. I wanted to see if she had cried. Her eyes were dry, make-up perfect. I did not want to speak with her. She on the other hand approached me. 

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

"I'm very sorry for your loss."

I stood shocked for a moment. 

"Thank you."

"I did not date James for so long, but I know he was a great boy. He talked a lot about you. You really meant a lot to him…"

I stared at her. She must've realized what an impact her words had since she mumbled and left. I re-gathered my thoughts in order to make it back to the common room. 

They were all there. Just as I had left them. Only calmer, more composed. 

I walked back to my dorm and shut the curtains around me. 

Flashbacks were going through my head. His eyes, his lips, his smell. Everything that seemed to return to haunt me. I dreamt of him that night. He was holding me. He was holding me tight. Then he let go, walked away, disappeared into the night. 

He was gone. 

*** 

The next day I got up very early. I put on my only pair of black pants and borrowed a black top from Andie. I had very few black clothes. Pulling my hair back in a pony tail I went to the common room, where I found Sirius and Remus waiting for me. They looked very tired and it was obvious they had had no sleep. It killed me to see them like that. Remus was grave. Graver than usual. And Sirius… His eyes had lost their usual spark and he seemed truly miserable. 

We headed quietly for breakfast. Sometime during the middle of it all the headmaster stood up and motioned for us to be quiet. Not that we had been talking. 

"I want you all to stand up, bow your heads and hold a moment of silence in memory of our beloved student, friend and Head Boy James Alexander Potter."

The silence was deafening. I wiped hot tears that were spilling without my permission and tried to regain composure. The hall sat down and I buried my face into Sirius' shoulder, sobbing. 

That Saturday was the gloomiest day of my life. Everywhere sad faces. Sirius had packed James' things to give to his parents. He had disappeared in their company for a few hours then returned. 

"Lily?"

"Yes?" 

He extended a black shirt to me. 

"He'd have wanted you to keep it."

It was James' favorite shirt. The one bearing a blue panther on the front. Tears were once again spilling down my face. 

"Did you see him?"

He nodded. I looked at him waiting for a reply. He burst into tears and I hugged him. So James was indeed gone. 

I sighed. In 48 hours my life had crumbled. After the funeral the next day, it would have been over for good. 

_You were my strength when I was weak  
You were my voice when I couldn't speak  
You were my eyes when I couldn't see  
You saw the best there was in me  
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach  
You gave me faith 'coz you believed  
I'm everything I am  
Because you loved me_

Author Notes:

Slightly bigger chapter. Yeah, it says in the summary. Very AU. I'm sounding really antisocial in these here notes, but I really am not. It's just that for this story I really don't know what to comment/make notes on. 

I'll start by telling you all that after this expect a wave of humor ficlets from my part. I'll tell you why in the very last chapter of this.

So yeah, I'll stick around for a while. Not giving up yet. By the way. I want all you people to read the author notes, 'cause I hate getting reviews going 'But wasn't he supposed to have Harry?'. AU people. In my story, Harry Potter was never born! 

**Disclaimer: JK owns all. First song is owned by Mariah Carey, second one by Celine Dion. **


	10. X

**Chapter 10**

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The night passed me by as I twisted and turned in my bed. Finally, as dawn broke over the Hogwarts grounds I got up and went to take a shower. I was trembling in a strange way and I had a nasty feeling. Not that that was not expected, but still. 

I headed down to the common room to see almost all the house dressed in black. It pained me to see them all. The Gryffindors, once so brave and happy, were now pale and miserable. I found Sirius and Remus, who were sitting with Hestia and I sat by them. 

"What time is it?" I asked numbly. 

"It's 7.30 AM Lily. Nobody in our house got any sleep so far." 

I simply nodded. Sirius was not saying anything. I placed a hand on his arm and he looked up. I could see his eyes were red and puffy. He too had spent the night crying. 

"His mother ... spent the entire night holding him." I bit my lips as I felt a fresh new wave of tears coming on. 

Remus put a comforting arm around me. 

"The services start at 10. We didn't want to have to tell you this, but Dumbledore said that because you're Head Girl, you should make a speech." 

I stood horrified for a moment.   

"I… I wouldn't know what to say." 

"Try. For James' sake." 

I sighed and nodded, picking up a nearby quill and began scribbling a speech. 

A couple of hours later Hestia, Sirius, Remus and myself made our way down to the great hall. I was clutching my so-called speech in my hand and had a nasty sensation in the pit of my stomach as I opened the doors. I wanted to turn back but couldn't. All our other dorm mates stated that they didn't feel up to attending. 

The place was packed as I looked around for James. I stopped at a point and whispered to Hestia.

"Where is he?" 

Tears were running down her cheeks as she motioned towards the coffin, which was a foot in front of me. 

"I want to see him. Come with me."

She shook her head. "I can't. I don't want to." 

I took half a step forward then changed my mind. I couldn't either. 

We took our seats in the front row and I sneaked a glance at his parents. My heart broke. There they were. Crying, looking like misery itself. I could only imagine what was happening inside their hearts. 

Dumbledore stood up next to the casket. 

"We have gathered here today in order to commemorate the passing of one of our greatest student and friend. James Potter was a one of a kind boy. Devious, always with a witty remark and a grin to get him out of every situation. A very bright student, despite all the hours he spent in detention. But I knew him only academically and only a little as a person. I now want to ask Lily Evans, our Head girl, to say a few words about James, as you all remember him." 

I was shaking as I stepped up; aware the every eye in the school was fixed on me. 

"James…" I began shakingly. "What is there to say about him? He was dashing, devious, clever and all of that. But he was also caring, witty, a loyal friend. He was always ready to give 110% for his friends. And he always did. I find myself to be one of the lucky people who've befriended him and even more." There were slight giggles at this. "Yesterday it was a sunny day. Clear like James' laughter. Warm like his smile. Was I the only one who felt it didn't feel right? I'm sure I wasn't. Even now, as we speak, it's a sunny day. I for one wish it was raining, because I hate every beautiful day. 

But I'm sure if he was here now, hearing me say that, he'd have grinned, patted me lightly on the back and say I was being foolish. And I know he would've been right. It's foolish of us to weep his passing, when he is in a much better place. It's foolish of us to hate the weather, when maybe it's a sign that he is alright and happy … but to us, his friend and classmates, it is impossible, isn't it? Will Hogwarts ever be the same without James Potter? My answer to you all is simple. No. James, to me at least, was the spirit of Hogwarts, the very soul of the student body. And a soul never dies, does it?" I paused, wiping my tears. "James Potter will live in us. In the hearts of those he touched, in the Quidditch trophies he's won, in the school he left so empty with his passing. James would've wanted us to move on. I know that for a fact. Keep him in your hearts. Always keep him in your hearts. And remember James Potter. Also, remember that life is a precious gift that must never be taken for granted." 

I sighed and stepped down, hearing people sobbing around me. His grandmother walked up and read of a tiny piece of parchment. 

"I still remember James, how you used to come to me when you were young, tugged my sleeve and ask me to read you a bed time story…"

My mind went astray from that point. It only came back at the end of that speech, the moment in which cold reality hit me. 

"… Goodbye James." 

I heard Sirius give a painful sob beside me as the headmaster nodded and told me to put the red rose I was clutching in my hand on his casket. I approached him and saw his face. That could not have been my James. His face was not swollen and a slight shade of purple. If there had not been a picture right above the casket, I don't think I could've accepted it. I placed my rose on his chest and watched him for a second. Then I turned and started running. Tears were spilling from my eyes and blocking my view but I did not care. Finally I exited the castle and tripped on something, which made me stumble and fall. I did not bother getting up. I sat on the cold ground, crying. I heard footsteps and moments later Dumbledore came into view. He kneeled by my side and hugged me. I don't know for how long I stood there.  Sometime in those minutes, hours, I don't know, Sirius came and Dumbledore left. 

"Lily… You must go back in. We're flooing to the Potter family graveyard in a moment. To... to burry him." 

My eyes went wide. 

"They can't … can't  ... leave him there, all alone."

Sirius didn't say anything. 

Around the casket in the hall there were his parents and people that came and left. I heard a person sobbing behind me and I turned to see Alexa. She looked at me and sat by her and hugged her. 

The moment Sirius put a hand on my shoulder I knew it was time to go. 

Shaking, I got up and followed him. In the fireplace in Dumbledore's office, we got in and he yelled Godric's Hollow Cemetery. We exited in a small room and got out to see the people gathered around the grave. I sat on a bench. 30 minutes later his mother was taken away crying and yelling. "We killed him we let him go to school and we killed him!" I closed my eyes and sighed. Very soon people had left and I got up heavily, followed by my four friends. 

The cross was bearing his name. "James Alexander Potter 1960 – 1977". I took a hand of earth and dropped it on his casket whispering "Ashes to ashes dust to dust." I wanted to cry. I just couldn't. My heart didn't let me. I was numb. 

That night the whole of Hogwarts was in the Great Hall, which was dimly lit by candles. I was not eating. I wasn't hungry. The dinner atmosphere was gloomy and depressing. I got up and went to my dorm. 

Out of my drawer I took out a picture of him and smiled. He would live on in my heart. And I would never love again. 

Because that day, I not only attended James Potter's funeral. I attended my own hearts'. 

_Never too far away_

_I won't let time erase one bit of yesterday_

_Cause I have learned that nobody can take your place_

_And though we can never be_

_I'll keep you close to me_

_When I remember _

_Love … you're never too far_

Author Notes:

Only a couple of chapters to go. Thank you for all the reviews. 

Disclaimer: JK owns the characters. Mariah Carey owns the song. 


	11. XI

**Chapter 11**

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Three months had passed since James' funeral and I was still to some extent in denial. I had been to his grave twice and somehow I still hoped that someday he'd return. 

Only one good thing, so to say, had come out of it. The Marauders and I were closer than ever. Perhaps we were looking to fill the emptiness inside of us, though we knew it was impossible. 

It was on a rainy Saturday night that Sirius and I were sitting in front of the common room fire. It was the 21st of February. Christmas and New Year's had been gloomy and somewhat meaningless. 

By the look on his face I could tell he was thinking about the same thing I was. 

"It's weird isn't it?"

He looked up at me. 

"What do you mean?"

"After three months I still expect him to come strolling round the corner…"

"After three months I still see him next to me in class, in the dorms…"

I sighed. 

"Why did it have to happen?"

"That's a question asked too many times to deserve an answer Lils." 

I sighed and wiped a solitary tear.

"You have no idea how I want October back."

"We all do Lily. Especially after everything I know about your relationship with him…"

My head snapped up.

"What do you know?"

"The truth."

"Tell me."

"Are you sure Lily?"

"Sirius, I want to know the truth."

He took a deep breath.

"James was a ladies man, as you know. We were always in a competition, which got the most girls. And at first he liked the way you looked. I won't deny he had a lot to like."

I smiled, a bit taken aback by this and motioned for him to go on.

"After Remus' party the issue came up. Who to date, you or Andie. Course, I wouldn't hear of anything between Andie and himself, so he dated you. He cared about you, you know, but James … James wasn't the type to fall in love. That's why he got out."

I gaped at Sirius for a moment, literally speechless. 

"So he left me because he loved me?"

"I don't exactly know how to explain it Lily."

"Answer me this Sirius. Did he ever cheat?" 

"No, he had his 'backup plans' as we called them, but he never cheated."

"And did he ever say anything bad about me?"

"We wouldn't hear the end of how he was dating the greatest girl in school."

By now the balloon of emotions I had inside of me was ready to explode.

"I shouldn't have asked…" I got up and hurried to the stairs leading to our dorm. 

"Lily …"

I turned around. 

"It's better that you know, so you won't live with doubts."

I nodded.

"And you'd be a fool if you thought he didn't care …"

I hastily wiped my tears and went into my room, which was blissfully empty. Pulling out the picture I had of James I looked at it, reviewing the last few weeks in my head. Looking at my gashed arm I knew that marks of his love, both physical and spiritual would live there forever. The times I cut when reality became unbearable, my tears and sleepless night and the reflections of his love which I feared would come to wither. 

Looking up at a lonely star, I smiled to myself. James Potter would live forever in my heart. 

I once read somewhere that life was a series of coincidences. Now I know that for a fact. 

Coincidence brought me to James Potter's arms, coincidence took him away. He was my rise and my fall.

He was my destiny. But I knew I owed James the will to move on and live for him. To see and do everything he never got to. 

I owed James a life lived to the fullest. And I always honor my debts. 

I once read somewhere that life was a series of coincidences. 

The most beautiful coincidence of it is love. For now I can agree fully with the man who said it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

_We all begin out with good intent  
When love was raw and young  
We believed that we could change ourselves  
The past could be undone  
But we carry on our backs the burden  
Time always reveals  
In the lonely light of morning  
In the wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
I've held so dear.___

**The End**

Author Notes:

And that ladies and gentlemen, was my story. You can either love it or hate it. Just learn from it. 

This was born out of my need to move on. I've lived off memories of happier times for four months, out of pure fear. Fear that if I moved on it would all be forgotten. And I didn't want to forget. 

Learn that you must never take anybody for granted and that you ought to live every day as if it were, not your last, but the last one for those around you. Never leave things unsaid or deeds undone for the bitterest tears cried over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. 

But most importantly, never take life for granted, for it's the most wonderful and most frail gift of all. 

Ral

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters or the song 'Fallen" by Sarah McLachlan.**


	12. Epilogue: Forever Yours

**_Forever Yours_**

_By Strawberry Gashes_

_An epilogue to "Fallen"_

I stepped onto the wet cemetery grass on the cold November morning, my mind filled with all sorts of thoughts. Clutching the two blue roses I had Sirius transfigure for me, I kneed down besides the gold plaque, engraved with five words _"James Alexander Potter 1960-1977"_. Beneath it, the student body had engraved a small quote, when we graduated, that described exactly James' way of life:

_ "I'm not afraid of death. It's the stake one puts up in order to play the game of life."_ _Jean Giraudoux_

Indeed, James had played all his life. And I'm sure he was still playing, up there, somewhere. A chilly breeze sweeps my face and I sigh.

_ What ever happened to us James?_ I wonder quietly. Forever disappeared somewhere along the way. Perhaps, after it had truly hit me you were gone. I know you're still taking care of me. Why else should I have gotten Sirius as one of life's gifts? He was my salvation. He kept me from dying inside.

My dear, dear James. They say we understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love. But I guess in a way I have come to accept it. Live with it.

My beloved, you are the only witness to my silent tears, in late cold nights. The weather last night reminded me of the day you died. Cold and bitter. Wet and cruel. I haven't forgotten you.

A lot has changed since you went away James. Remus became Head Boy and at graduation he made a lovely speech about you. But I'm sure you already know that.

As I am sure you are everywhere. In the cool summer breeze. In the gentle autumn rain. In every dream I've seen come true this past year. You're still here, in my heart. Still my guardian angel. Still as wonderful and perfect as you were the day you went away.

And I still miss you so so much. Sometimes it's like this sharp pain in my heart, reminding me that you were once the owner of it all. The part of me that belonged to you died as well. You took it with you on your journey to forever.

Yet I am glad you did. For I would have been nothing if you weren't mine, and my soul would've been empty without your warmth. I'd rather died a thousand horrible deaths, than exchange our memories and feelings. I do not regret a moment of what we lived.

Because in the end I know you are never dead as long as we remember you daily and live for you too. Because I do. I live for you every day of my life. I live it full and wonderful, just as you would've done.

And now I think I know why you were taken from me. You were an angel waiting for his wings. My salvation gave them to you. Because you saved me. In every way a person can be saved.

And perhaps, you were to kind for this world. My dear, beloved James. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

**_The End_**

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**Author Notes**

I wrote this because this Sunday marks one year from my boyfriend's passing. Call it the ending chapter. How Lily came to accept it and live on.

How I came to move on. Believe it or not, what I lived back then made me a new person. As you can see, it made me grow. It made me a person. A strong person.

And in a way a better person.

As I said before, read it, but don't judge it. What we had is too beautiful to be judged by human beings.

Raluca

**Disclaimer: ****All characters belong to JK Rowling. I own the plot. "Forever Yours" is a Nightwish song. **


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